25 Things? I’ll give you 25 things, you little sh*@!

It’s been a pretty serious three weeks on ToughSledding, but it’s almost Friday and  definitely time to lighten up. Got tagged with the “25 Things” meme on Facebook today. And while I don’t do memes, I’m sure willing to make fun of them. Here’s what I posted, 25 “random things about me.”

picture-1

’25 Things’ from an angry old geezer…

It was only a matter of time before someone punished me for all the smart-ass crap I’ve posted on Facebook. Jeff G – you’ll be sorry you tagged me on this!

1. I blog for no apparent reason. So please visit the site and tell me how great I am, OK? Like most bloggers, I’m needy.

2. Teaching requires more time, energy and dedication than anything I ever did in the “real world.” I’d do it for free if I didn’t have to buy beer and ammunition.

3. I’m gonna beat the snot out of the next 50something who says, “When I retire I’d like to get a job like yours – you know one that’s less demanding.” Idiot.

4. One of my hobbies is killing God’s creatures to feed my family and friends. Once you’ve had my venison you’ll never support PETA – never.

5. I can field dress a whitetail in the time it takes most people to brush their teeth.

6. I’m a Facebook whore who accepts friend invitations from almost anyone. In the end, it really doesn’t matter much, because we’re just pretending to be friends.

7. I attended Ohio U when the famous Halloween celebration began (1974). I’m pretty sure it was my idea, but I don’t remember much about my years at America’s premier party school. I did meet this really cool chick, though. See #23.

8. My barber is a Steeler fan and a deer hunter. I tip him 35% because we never run shorsteeler-logot of relevant conversation. Try that on Facebook!

9. I relish being a pain-in-the-ass Steeler fan living in Browns country, but I only do it to piss people off. Hell, I don’t even read the sports page.

picture-610. I can’t decide who’s the hottest babe in the comic pages: The curvaceous Blondie Bumstead or the sultry Abbey Spencer, from “Judge Parker.” I lean toward Abbey, as she’s a redhead and rich.

11. Winter is my favorite season since I have the outdoors to myself while the rest of you wimps are cowering around your space heaters.

12. I don’t use an iPod because listening to tunes while biking, hiking, skiing or kayaking drowns out Mother Nature’s music. I teach podcasting, but don’t listen to them because most of ‘em suck.

13. I oppose capital punishment except for those caught text messaging while driving, as you seem intent on imposing the death penalty on the rest of us.

14. While folks are saving money and storing food for the ongoing recession, I’m stockpiling ammunition.

15. Speaking of ammo, I still don’t have a conceal-and-carry permit – one of my life goals. Nevertheless, I hope you’ll still consider me dangerous, even though I’m not armed – at least not all the time.

16. The world’s best whiskey comes from Kentucky, but I’ll tolerate your high-priced, snooty single-malt scotch if you want to pour me a glass. I prefer it neat.

17. There’s no computer in my doctor’s exam room, but he still manages to go digital at one point of my annual physical. It’s a bitch getting old.

trickydjpg18. Richard Nixon saved my life. When he canceled the draft to curry favor with voters in 1972, I had already passed my physical and had 1-A status with a lottery number of 57. I voted for McGovern anyway.

19. I’m convinced those who can’t drive a manual transmission are deficient as human beings. Besides, if you have to shift gears you’re less likely to kill people while text messaging.

20. I’ve learned from spending time on Facebook and Twitter that the world is populated by millions of people who are pretty full of themselves. I’m a perfect example.

21. I agree with Facebook pal Amanda Chapel that our online connections should be referred to as “friendz.” Because very few of them really are.

22. I consider real friends to be those who’ve been drunk with me around a campfire or who’ve helped me drag a deer out of the woods. One who has done both actually inspired a few of the items in this list, but he keeps a very low profile on FB and I don’t want to “out” him.

23. Of the many decisions I’ve made in this life, the only one I never second-guess is marrying my wife. And yes, she knows I worship her. OK ladies you can say, “awww” now. I can’t help being so goddamn romantic.

24. I won’t be tagging any of my “friendz” on this meme, which means I’ll burn in hell for breaking the chain. But I’ll probably see a lot of you there eventually, as all of my “friendz” are sinners except for Jeff G – though the jury is still out on his sainthood application.

25. I wrote this list to parody the “25 Things” meme. It’s sad, but in social media you have to tell folks when you’re kidding or at least half of them will take you literally. On that, I am not kidding in the least. (Update: On the other hand, pretty much all of this is true, so maybe I’m not kidding at all. I’ll let you decide. Pass the bourbon, will ya?)

27 Responses to 25 Things? I’ll give you 25 things, you little sh*@!

  1. I’m glad that as your son I’ve been able to participate in both activities on #22. I’m also glad you decided to do this; a different side of yourself exposed in the blogosphere; and more entertaining than most.

    As for myself, I’ll keep my “25 things” to myself. I’ve got more important things to do — like twitter.

  2. Bill Sledzik says:

    Thanks, Chris, but I’m not sure this is the kind of expose I or my readers are ready for. But that is the beauty of a blog, isn’t it? You get say whatever the hell you want.

    Been weaning myself from Twitter these last few days, focusing on my job. You know, real work — the stuff that justifies the paycheck.

  3. Brittany Thoma says:

    What a fantastic way to start my Friday morning – reading blogs and laughing. Thank you for that, Bill.

    As for me, I haven’t gotten into the Twitter game yet. I don’t like the idea of having to express myself in 120-something characters or less. That’s the control freak in me, I guess.

    Thanks again for the laugh, you never cease to entertain me.

  4. Breeze says:

    Regarding #15: Jesus, Bill… my mom has a concealed-weapons permit.

  5. Double G says:

    Abbey Spencer…NICE!

    Judge Parker is all of sudden very interesting to me thanks the artist Eduardo Barreto.

  6. Bill Sledzik says:

    Indeed. Latin artists seem to have a better understanding of the female anatomy.

  7. Kait says:

    Reference #22. What about people who have been drunk with you NOT around a campfire…but around a table at Ray’s? What comes between friendz and friends? Palz?

    P.S. Here we go Steelers, here we go.

  8. Bill Sledzik says:

    Good point, Kait. I just ruled out as “friends” a good many of my former students, and that’s bad form. And while we have raised our glasses at Ray’s, I was never “drunk,” as I always had to drive home.

    So I have a solution. You and your new husband can come on my next canoe trip (complete with campfire and bourbon) and/or you can help me field dress a deer next season. The latter is a tad messy, so be sure to wear latex gloves. The doctor in #17 can supply those.

  9. Kait says:

    I wasn’t necessarily referring to YOUR state at Rays, I suppose…hmm…

    I’ll choose option A. Not only because I was forced to learn the finer points of dressing a whitetail as a young ‘un, but because I’m a righteous canoe steerer (am I disqualified because I said steerer?), I build a mean campfire and hubs would love a good bourbon. Call back Dr. #17…tell him to cancel the latex.

  10. Ike Pigott says:

    Bill, I’d be honored to sit at your fire one day. Thanks for sharing — and more importantly, thanks for NOT tagging others.

    Remember kids, you can’t spell ‘meme’ without writing ‘me’ twice.

  11. LOL @ 4. One of my hobbies is killing God’s creatures to feed my family and friends. Once you’ve had my venison you’ll never support PETA – never.

    I dunno’, Bill; after that PETA super-bowl ad, I’M even considering going green!

    Next time you make the trip up North, let me know. My Pops is the only Canadian breeder of the Cesky Fousek, a rare bird dog out of the Czech Republic. Watching one of these dogs work the field is heavenly.

    Check out his blog if you get the chance – http://www.ceskyfousekcanada.com

  12. Bill Sledzik says:

    OK, Brandon. You’re right. Even I might support PETA if that lady brings the asparagus to my house personally.

  13. Dallas Sledzik says:

    I’m afraid i don’t visit your blog as frequently as I’d like, but it doesn’t change the fact that I agree with a lot of what you say 100%. As far as facebook is concerned, the majority of ‘friendships’ are superficial, and I think it is pathetic that the word friend is becoming a verb. On a separate note, I assume I’m considered a true friend, for I have undoubtedly helped you drag deer out of the woods on numerous occasions(and vice versa), and we’ve shared a few brews.

  14. Abby says:

    Bill:

    This just made my day, and I completely “awwww’ed” after reading #23. I enjoy the brutal honesty expressed in the post, but am a bit saddened that you didn’t mention the best thing to come out of Sh*tsburgh… Yuengling beer. Now, as for being “friendz” or “friends”- I guess I don’t qualify, but you are still my favorite prof. (even though you love the Steelers.)

    Here we go Brownies…. Here we go!🙂

  15. Bill Sledzik says:

    Ah, another delusional Browns fan. You aren’t nearly as plentiful as you used to be. As for Yuengling beer, I like it, too. But it’s not made anywhere near Pittsburgh, home of the 6-time Super Bowl Champion Steelers. I’m sure you’ve heard about the Super Bowl, but perhaps not. Being a Browns fan you really have no context beyond the first round of the playoffs (on a good year).

    I’m waiving my “friend” rule for you, BTW. How could I not? We miss you around here.

  16. mediatide says:

    I thought you paid strict attention to proper writing style. In your previous comment, you called Abby a “delusional Browns fan.” That’s redundant, much like “obnoxious New York Yankees fan.”

  17. Bill Sledzik says:

    I make that distinction from delusional Bengals fans. It’s a problem across Ohio, as you well know. And since Abby moved from Cleveland to Cinci recently, she needs all the help she can get.

  18. I’m totally with you on the capital punishment for driving whilst texting, and am all for lifetime imprisonment for talking on the damn phone instead of driving.

    Also, I think that the lack of people knowing how to drive a manual shift has directly led to the decline in driving skills, and has caused the erroneous supposition that one can talk on the phone/eat/text/whatever the hell else and still drive.

    Great list.

  19. Bill Sledzik says:

    All right, Jen. I was slapped around on Twitter a few weeks back by one of our esteemed social media leaders when I announced support for a law to ban cell phones while driving. I consider myself a libertarian at heart, but when it puts other lives in danger, it has to be stopped. Dude probably drives an automatic!

  20. Ike says:

    Actually Bill, count me among those who would slap you.

    Transporting my children is more of a distraction than a rational phone conversation with Bluetooth.

    You could use the same justification to outlaw car stereos, and institute a mandated “cone of silence” around the driver.

    Will your penalty code include a statutory minimum for women who apply makeup while driving?
    😉

  21. Bill Sledzik says:

    Before we go too far with this, let’s remember that the original essay was a parody of the “25 Things” meme. As such, it’s filled with hyperbole. In fact, I don’t support the death penalty under any circumstances, because I don’t believe it’s something civilized peoples do. (I don’t have to tell you all this, Ike, but there are a few folks in this world who don’t know satire when they see it.)

    Now, on to death for cell phone users…

    Kids in the car, multiple options on the stereo, 52-position reclining seats… Point is, the car already is filled with distractions. Adding another — especially one as widespread as cell phone use — is the real problem. The evidence that cell phones play a major role in serious accidents is piling up. Some experts say it’s nearly as dangerous to use the phone while driving as it is to drive while drunk.

    Now, if I take your logic in the other direction, I can solve Detroit’s sales slump. First we install minibars where the ashtrays used to be, with taps for bourbon, scotch, and vodka. Then we’ll need a TV mounted in the center of the steering wheel or maybe on the sun visor. As an option, we’ll offer “Magic Fingers” massage seats (no coin slot required). This, my friend, is a car that will sell and sell big.

    On the serious side (and this thread really doesn’t have one) you can push the argument both ways. But we still have thousands of nitwits sending text messages while piloting 4,000-lb. vehicles. If you look closely, at least half of them (maybe more) are also applying makeup. So I say we hang ’em🙂

    (Confession: My commute to work is 4 miles each way, and there’s no traffic. I put a total of 51 miles on my car this week. I don’t talk on the cell phone while driving. I’m too busy shifting gears and playing with the stereo.)

  22. Donna Miller says:

    I love your post. I graduated KSU J school too long ago to have had the pleasure of meeting you in person. However, I never did understand the allure of manual transmission. I think there’s something phallic about it that appeals to some folks, maybe. I tried to learn and kept rolling backward down hills and thought it gave me all the satisfaction of knitting my own sweater when I could go buy one, leaving more time to read, write and blog. But more power to you shifters.

  23. Bill Sledzik says:

    Hold on there, Donna. If the stick shift is indeed a phallic symbol, that would make the driver…never mind.

    The shifter is really about control and engagement. The driver decides just how far to rev the power plant and exactly when to take things to the next level. Perhaps this is why men like them so much. It puts us in the driver’s seat both literally and figuratively — or at least it gives us the illusion that we are. Either way, the manual transmission can be a great metaphor.

  24. Robert Checkal says:

    Would the manual tranny be a great metaphor for laziness? Because if so, call me lazy. I like not having to do anything… so I can text. Just kidding. haha.

  25. […] ever.  And that’s part of its charm: There’s no pressure to be “on.” In my spoof of the “25 Things” meme I said: “I’m a Facebook whore who accepts friend […]

  26. […] 25 Things? I’ll give you 25 things, you little sh*@! […]

  27. […] homemade bumper stick grew from a post I wrote last year — a post spoofing Facebook’s “25 Things About Me.”  That […]

%d bloggers like this: